Albania has been lot of things. It is a place of many coffee shops, it holds deeply to its cultural roots. It is a place where my team has become like my sisters. It is a place where the Lord asked me to grieve and mourn in a righteous manner. It is a place that feels like home. It is a place of solitude with the Lord. It is a place of drought. It is a place of depth, and growth. It is a place of familiarity, and it is a place of many unknowns. It is a place of newness. Change isn’t really hard for me, but newness is.
The thought of Albania was terrifying for me. New teams and honestly that was probably the scariest part – I didn’t know who I would be spending the next couple of months with. New country means new culture and new host – I was hopeful of these things. New leadership on the field – I am so incredibly thankful for our squad leaders but they are leaving the field and so 3 of us were raised up to lead the squad for the rest of our time here, and squad leaders really do set the tone for the entire squad.
Walking through grief on the field
What I was most terrified of was the Lord had asked me to walk through grief and mourning in a righteous manner. I had walked through grief the past 4 Januarys and it was not something I wanted to do while I was on the field, especially not in a new team who I barely knew. I am not incredibly open about my brother’s death and so I didn’t want to share with 6 new people – this very vulnerable part of my heart. I thought to myself that maybe I would just keep it to myself and not let anyone know about the 17th and how hard that day would be for me, but I also knew that is what I had done the previous years and the Lord had asked me not to do that again. I was more scared at the fact that I would be in our apartment in this village that I wasn’t allowed to leave and I wouldn’t be able to buy two Americano’s like I usually did in years past. Grief was different this year – I didn’t mask the pain with alcohol, I didn’t visit my brother’s headstone and weep because he isn’t here, I didn’t continue traditions, I didn’t confide in a tiny community back home. It was spent in my bunk bed, in our apartment, in the attic of a church. It was spent in solitude with the Lord, it was a day of reflecting and rejoicing that I get to spend eternity with my brother. This day was extremely redemptive – and I am thankful that I choose to walk in obedience to the Lord.
Repentance is the sweetest thing Jesus offers
I know I talk in my sleep – but most of the time I live by myself and so no one ever hears what I say. In Romania sleeping by myself was not the case – we were in a house with all 29 of us, and so anything you said would be heard. One morning after waking up several people came to tell me what I had said in my sleep, Katherine had put it in her notes on her phone. “Dead people that say we’re alive.” I knew these words held weight, but could not discern the full meaning of these words at the moment. Over the next several weeks I continue to pray and ask the Lord to reveal the meaning of the words I had said in my sleep. Several weeks pass and the words soon become in the back of my mind and not thought about often.
Albania has been spiritually dry for me. I often felt distant from the Lord. The scriptures grew less exciting as the days passed. I often said how I felt the Lord was being silent. At the end of the day, this is all okay because my faith and belief in God is not based on my feelings. “Fasting is used to restore spiritual hunger” these words came back to my mind from training camp in August.I wanted more of the Lord, I was desperate for the Lord to whisper in my ear, I wanted to sit in His presence. I felt the Lord calling me into a time of fasting. Everything I need to do (or not do) came to me at once. Start February 1st, lasting 22 days, read one chapter of Revelations a day, journal and process everyday, memorize scripture, no social media, no sugars, no soda, no breakfast. It may seem like a long list but in reality this all brings my focus back to the Lord.
3 days into my fast and I was struggling – I would often open my eyes and automatically unlock my phone to check social media and realize it wasn’t downloaded on my phone. I was starving by 5 am and did not know how I would make it until noon. I was sure to be faithful to the obedience the Lord was calling me into.
In Revelations 3 John is writing to the church in Sardis and says this, “I know what you do. People say that you are alive, but really you are dead.” The words I had spoken in my sleep several months before is what would lead me into repentance in my most desperate state. As I continued to read it got better. “Wake up! Make yourselves stronger while you still have something left and before it dies completely. I have found that what you are doing is not good enough for my God. So do not forget what you have received and heard. Repent!” I felt in my soul, “You say you are alive, but are you really?” “Are you a walking spiritual zombie?” “Is your spirit alive and well?” “This is not something you can fake it til you make it.” I had been telling myself that I was alive in Christ, but I was spiritually dead. I was truly faking it until I hoped one day I would make it. I do not want to forget what I had heard – the Good News of the Gospel, the simplicity that I am not dead in my sin, but I am made alive in Christ. All these things I had also received – what comes next is the sweetest thing Jesus offers, repentance. I sat in my bed in repentance of the lies I had not only been telling others, but also myself.
Albania has truly been a place of vulnerability and walking in humility with the Lord.
And s0 I ask you to sit with Revelations 3:1-3 and ask the Lord if you are also in need of repentance, have you lied to yourself about being spiritually alive but in all reality you are dead.
Love well,
AP
