The time in this cold, rainy, dark, spiritual heavy country has been nothing short of sweet. It is coming to an end very quickly and I don’t want to leave this place. Romania has been marked by intercession and intimacy with the Lord. It has been spent on my face at the feet of Jesus, sitting in solitude with the Lord asking what He wants from me, letting the living word of God wash over me. If I am being honest it is not Romania that I don’t want to leave – it’s that I don’t want to leave the sweet presence of the literal breath giving God.
We are in All Squad month living in a house with 28 other people and getting to do ministry with other teams. Our time together has been sweet – worship in the hallway, dinner around a table with community, hearing wisdom from fellow believers, fighting for our time with Jesus in a culture that resembles much of that busyness back home.
There are many experiences, encounters, friendships, and conversations I want to share – I feel like John right now when he said if he were to write all the things Jesus did, the whole world could not contain the books that would be written.
My heart for missions has been reaffirmed, life has been spoken, wisdom has been received and intimacy has been sought.
While we were in Guatemala the Lord straight us spoke intercession over our squad. I did not know what that was or what it looked like; it was a big word that I was unfamiliar with. I google “intercession” – the act of intervening on behalf of another.
I have found my heart at the feet of Jesus many times the last couple of weeks. I had this reality check that I can’t do a lot of things for a lot of people. I can’t be everything for everyone. I can’t be a safe place for people, I can’t be everyone’s best friend, I can’t provide everything for everyone. I have found a lot of my value in giving, whether it be my time, my resources, or simply my presence. I understood and realized the most I can do for my brothers and sisters is to sit at the feet of Jesus with them or for them and intercede. James says this in his letter to the Jews, “The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with.”
One morning during worship, I found myself face down on the ground pleading at the feet of Jesus for one of my sisters on the squad. She got some heavy news from back home and if anyone could relate to her in grief it was me. I felt a hand on my back and I just wanted to be alone so I ignored it. Time passes by and I sit up – it is a woman who is about to leave for Ukraine, who at this point I hardly knew her name. I look to my right and another woman who is about to leave for Ukraine. I pray over them, again pleading at the feet of Jesus for their safety.
I look up and from the mouth of a stranger – “you’re a good friend” and many words follow this but I argue back with great confidence “You don’t even know me” HAHA thank you Jesus that you use your people and want to speak life into us by total strangers. The next couple of days there were many bittersweet conversations over coffee with Dana. The convoy to Ukraine ended up not happening while Dana was here and so her ministry for the next week was us – we were all so blessed by the conversations we had with her. She is wise and intentional.
“You don’t even know me” became a joking matter until I sat down to process this whole thing with the Lord. I realized quickly the Lord had spoken so much more to me through Dana when she said those words. I draw an arrow and write ‘is this what I also tell God?’ My gut turned over, my heart dropped, and my eyes began to fill with tears. I knew the answer but I did not dare want to admit it. The reality has been that I do not let the Lord know me as a friend, He is my Father, He is a Provider, He is Healer, He is a lot of things, but He wasn’t my friend. I hadn’t let the Lord know me, I don’t tell the Lord my secrets, I hide things from Him, and quite literally run when things get hard. The reality with me and the Lord was you don’t even know me.
I was reminded of a quote by J.I. Packer ‘There is, certainly, great cause for humanity in the thought that He sees all the twisted things about me that my fellow humans do not see, and that He sees more corruption in me than that which I see in myself. There is, however, equally great incentive to love God in the thought of that, for some unfathomable reason, He wants me as His friend, and desires to be my friend, and has given His son to die for me in order to realize this purpose.’ It hits a little different now, I see the worth and value in letting the Lord know me as a friend.
I look back on my time here in Romania and think fondly of it. It is marked with intimacy with the Lord, tough conversations, solitude with the Holy Spirit, intercession for my friends, and most importantly a new found friendship with the Lord. It has been nothing short of sweet, Romania.
Love well,
AP
